its almost over!
bio paper in 2 days time and then i am FREE.
tiff and yixian are FREE already. im the only one left!! :/

you know what? these few days i've been thinking alot alot and perhaps thats why i always cant get to sleep at night!
oh Lord, you see the condition of my heart, i pray that You will purify my spirit and make me clean. Father, I know You will turn every situation in my favour, for my good and whatever I do or whatever the season that i'm going through, You're always here with me for me. then i pray that my security will not lie in men, in the affection and attention of men, but in You Lord. that You alone is sufficient for me, to satisfy me to make me whole. Father remove all wrong thoughts and feelings, all negative judgement towards others all malice and evil and renew in me a right spirit today. in Your time, i believe Lord that friendships can be restored and hearts made whole once again. then Father till that day, i pray for perserverance, i pray for more love, i pray for more joy. be it for me or for ***, ******,******, ****,***, You are soverign in this situation, in EVERY situation. and help me to always draw close to You whenver my thoughts run wild. i pray against any negative and wrong and emo thoughts from satan.

in Jesus almighty name,

Amen.


In His time,
He makes all things beautiful, In His time

Father, help us and deliever us from this situation.

Current Mood: melancholy

feel very very guilty.
you know how everytime its exams or im going through a difficulty, a trial or a problem, i know i need God. i do my QT. i pray. i mediate on the word. i watch my words, my actions. i get intuned with God.
but when i have no difficulty, no trial, no problem, no exams, i dont do my QT faithfully, not pray, nor mediate on the word.

im so sinful!!!!!!
tsktsk. this is a bad habit and i must change it!

and so, the major papers are OVER! :)
hurrayness.

chem p2 was alright...
econs p2 was bad. the essays were so difficult!
econs p1 was managable.
and chem p1 today was... was... i dont know. :( had mixed feelings after the paper. i couldnt finish it properly!! :(

and now, im left with bio p1

which is in 10 days timeeee.. :)

still remember the first paper i had, math p1, i was freaking out because i brought the WRONG ENTRY PROOF!!! i brought the registration slip for alevels instead of the entry proof. felt soooooooooo stupid. luckly fiona checked my things and told me.. or else.. GG. this kind of thing only NOELLA YEE can do right?? bringing the wrong entry proof?!?! thank God the lady at the office was niceee and printed a new one for me.

that was the start of alevels.. and now. im waiting for the last paper and it will be OVER!
how fastt right?????

i honestly think i will miss seating at my table, studying, listening to ipod and humming to the songs, or studying at G2 with the girls.. and using fanciful pens and drawing random stuff or song lyrics on my papers.
hahahahah those were the daysss :)


thank you Jesus for seeing me through each and every paper. even those that i have a super bad feeling about.. like chem p1 and bio p2 and math p1.
but....

ALL OF MY LIVE
IN EVERY SEASON
YOU ARE STILL GOD
I HAVE A REASON TO SING
I HAVE A REASON TO WORSHIP!

:)

love the desert song to ttm. actually the bridge part the most.
went swimming with nicole today and it was sooo... interesting. started talking about our crushes. and its super funny cos she's pri 6 and u know when ya pri 6..ahem ahem.
but it was good bonding time with her.. :) when i was pri 6, my biggest crush was on......... hahah.. :P
on a side note, swimming is tiring. i shall not attempt it anytime soon... its bad..im aching all over.

so post alevels:)

1) KBOX
2) SENTOSA
3) HONG KONG
4) SHOPPING
5) MEETING UP WITH LZ,I,J,M,Z
6) blessing others during Christmas!

ok and i wonder why i didnt want to caps "blessing others during christmas".
actually right.. post alevels isnt very excitng. darn. at least alevels keeps me busy. if there is nothing to study.. then what will i do? laze around?
do housework?? (oh my.. i hate that)

was seeing through my "sent" items of my yahoo inbox today when i chanced upon an email that i sent to *** in May this year. one more i sent in Dec last year.
funny how just ONE year seemed to have changed everything and this whole relationship we shared.

friends come and go, dajie told me that before, and so did lester ang kian boon (sorry it just doesnt feel right not saying his full name. it comes as a package)
and i was told to treasure the friendships i have with people now because it would go be different someday as live progresses?

now is that really it?
is that biblical????
paul and barnabas disagreed and went seperate ways even though they were super close.
you and me were close to, and now we arnt anymore.

HAHAHAHAHHA

i dont even know why im blogging about this. seriously.
its all because i was trying to check what my teacher's email address was therefore i went to the sent items and click back back back. and hence i saw the email. i totally forgot that i actually sent such an email out before you know?

****** ah ******, i wished things werent like this.
its bad.
it seems like we've reached a stage beyond redemption.

its my prayer that someday, we'll be able to be like how we used to be.


*******.


:)


***

Current Location: home.
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: demo 3

my favourite song now is,

"with Christ in the vessel we can smile at the storm,
smile at the storm,
smile at the storm.
with Christ in the vessel we can smile at the storm, as we go sailing home!
sailing sailng home X2
with Christ in the vessel we can smile at the storm,
as we go sailing home!"

in obedience to God yesterday i did something that i would NEVER EVER do in living history.
(quick ask me ask me!)
i wont say it here cause EVERYBODY gets access to the web-page and its freaky who reads it and who doesnt.

but all in all, im glad i obeyed although that meant laying down my pride at the altar and humbling myself!
i think i grew in my Christian walk with God even as i heared His voice and obeyed.

on the side note, i never knew reading a book could make me think and reflect so much about my own Christian faith.
the book is called, "voice in the wind" and i forgot who wrote it.
Pas CX recommended the book 030489984 years ago to me but i didnt read it until..4 days ago.
and after that i was really ashamed of the way i live as a Christian compared to the main character in the book.

reflections reflections.........
yes i already hear some saying, "ARE YOU CRAZY YOU GO AND READ STORYBOOK DURING ALEVELS??!?!"
yes i read during alevels. took 2 days to complete the book.. quite pro lor! :P

Fight on Christian soldiers, we only have 5 more papers to FREEDOM! :)

happy, but very sleepppppppppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyy

noella.

Current Location: ntu
Current Mood: sleepy

my friends,

one word to describe this week.
TOUGH.
DRAINING.
TIRING
DEMANDING.
ok now, thats MANY words...

so fast right? im in the midst of my alevels. still recall the time last year when we were studying with david, keith and toh and we saw how much they had to study for Alevels, we were still having fun and playing. and we said, "next year this time, we dieeeeee".
and its really NEXT YEAR THIS TIME NOW!

even this year zoomed past super fast.
how in jan, i told myself, must study must study. last year already.
then in april, must study harder,
then june hols, must study.
after june, must study
after prelims, must study harder.
and now its alevels.

the question was, did i really study?
i think i did.. but i think its not my best.

i remember i had one consultation just last monday with Mr Sia (math teacher), then he posed a comment that made me feel all funny inside. he said to me, "noella, actually you very smart one, why you dont want to put in the effort?"
i was dumbfounded. but i really DID put in the effort. was it not enough? i didnt answer him, just look at him politely.

and so, alevels started.

TUES
math paper 1 was killer. seriously. the 07/08 papers were so much easier compared to this years! i know i was a little freaked out by after hearing that everybody felt that it was a strange paper, i felt more relieved.

WED
gp1 was quite alright i felt.. just that i was the ONLY person that did question 12, which is something on the lines of "as long as people in the public eye do their job well, does it matter what they do in private?" after the paper was over, i realised everybody did question 1 and 8 on sci and tech and poverty. nobody did question 12!! got abit worried but yixian said there were pple in ac who did qn12. i think this question is for people with zero sci and tech/poverty or any other content knowledge from the content pack..hahha all the eg i cited was what i already know? then again, i didnt had time to study any stats or facts for paper 1 cause i had to study bio the night before.

gp2 was ok...like 5/10? the passage was easier than i expected. and the short questions were alright.. doable. i finished short questions in 40mins and was quite proud of myself. :) then it was summary and AQ. i dont know why my brain slowed down X20490342 and i took super long just to do summary!!!!! :( like 25 mins. my hand was tired from all the writing and it was damn siannnz. in any case, i didnt complete AQ. :( i only wrote 2 points cause 20 mins wasnt enough... :( damn sian after the paper. kept complaining to tracy that GP was my only hope and i didnt know why i just blatantly srew up my own p2. i think my AQ is only worth, what 2/8??

bio
i hate bio. its such a horrid paper i cried after i completed it. at home of course when im alone. it was really bad. flip, first page, huh? second page, HUH? third page, HUH??????????????? dieeeeee and the indian invigilator, one guy and one girl, both in their 20s and fat were FLIRTING with each other. and i was sitting RIGHT IN FRONT and it was so digusting. really it was.
but bio is bad. :(
the questions were tough.. almost everybody felt that it was strrangeeee.
siannnnnnnnn


THURS
CHEM p3
i thought it went quite well and for the FIRST TIME IN HISTORY i can actually do an identification question. seriously DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF. :D thank you Jesus! :) but the paper was very rushh.. my brain was very drained after that...

FRI
MATH P2
dont know why again math p2 was done in a very nua manner. all i felt like doing was finishing the paper. it was doable.. but yeah i think i made many careless mistakes and was very tired also..


this week, no doubt it was how i described it to be above, but it was also one of the weeks that i felt i was close to God.
He sent many encouraging friends along the way, to spur me on, namely, melong, huishi, lingzhi,ian, david, toh, zane, jeanie,
and of course, YIXIAN AND TIFF. :) im so glad we have each other to lean on and encourage one another and pray together even in the midst of our alevels.

i think the concept of surrender is very hard to grasp.
the only way to surrender completely and wholly to God is only when you trust Him.
when you trust, you know that God works for the good of those who love Him and not worry about your results or how you would fare for your paper, but do every paper with the mindset of glorifying God through it and inviting him to do the paper with you!
what i struggle to do, is not worry.
after every paper, thoughts that fill my head include,
" dieeee, next year can come back and take again already." or,
"shitzzz i can pack my bag and go overseas/SIM already.. " or,
" i feel like dying, why not you kill me now?"

negativity floods my mind. and i can only imagine the worst. why cant i give God glory for SEEING ME THROUGH THE PAPER?
the point of seeing me through does not equate to doing well.
but then if i do well, is it for my glory (so that everybody will think im this brainy thing) or for HIS glory?
if we put our trust and hope in God, we will be able to SURRENDER our exams and results to him.
then why do i have problems with trusting and hoping in an almighty God?
ALMIGHTY. ALL MIGHTY! He is ALL MIGHTY! am i insane to NOT be able to put my trust and hope in Him?
if i cant even rely on God, who can i rely on right?

thus, i do not fear, because i know that God is with me, everystep of the way, and He is near. though there are times which negativity clouds my judgement, i must and will choose to reject those thoughts in Jesus' name, knowing that no matter how it turns out, even if i have to repeat next year, or go SIM/OVERSEAS, not my will but Yours be done.

this is the ultimate form of surrender isnt it?

Father, help me to trust and to surrender my future, my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations in Your hands.
because i know the plans you have for me are not to harm me, but to prosper me and to give me a future.


knowing God is in control puts everything else into perspective doesnt it?

reading the book, VOICE IN THE WIND, that Pas CX recommended ages ago.. its really nice. haha! :)

"with Christ in the vessel we can SMILE at the storm!"

thank you Jesus, for everything.

how do you lock an entry?
i seriously have no idea.
i actually intended to lock whatever im gonna post but since i have no idea how to, i shall not.

if you ask me why i even bother blogging at such an ugly and no-life blog, the answer is, cause i want to keep significant memories of my life. so then when im 60 and balding, i would still be able to view and recall how i felt as a teenager. all that i experienced while growing up... be it the good or the bad.. so definitely im not blogging because of YOU. but yes, if you're reading now i guess i matter to you to make you even come to this blog in the first place right?

did i burst your bubble? no hearts, no candies, no lollipops, no emo pictures of strange ang-moh girls, no ballons like every typical girl-ish blog? sorry. im just not that FREE to do all that.. its true. maybe i shall attempt that one day when i REALLY REALLY feel girl-ish.

alot has happened recently and it has been really draining emotionally and physically. i feel like im a zombie and having the escapist mindset again which i had on 29June onwards for 2 weeks.. the kind of,  "im gonna do alot of work to tire myself TTM so that when i try to sleep at night i fall asleep IMMEDIATELY so that my mind wont wonder of and start thinking of stupid emo things that make me feel all sad an stupid."  i know its not right. i know its stupid. i know im wasting my time and tears on people that dont even give a hoot about me. then the question is, "WHY ON EARTH AM I STILL DOING IT??!!??"

i guess if you are a normal human being, or lets say, a normal 18 YEAR OLD GIRL like i am, a little rash, a little emotional, a little illogical and little loud, a little silly, a little blur-ish, a little too naive and A LITTLE dumb, yes that is a normal 18 year old girl. you would react the same way as i am reacting now if you actually know the situation that im in.

believe me, i'm trying VERY VERY hard to be as Christ-like as i can. its not easy being a Christian. and whenever im about to do something mean, i would think, " if my cell-kids know that im doing this or this or that, would they still look up to me?" sometimes i stop doing immediately, sometimes i continue doing it anyway. and then after that i pray and ask for God's forgiveness and feel all lousy inside for not being able to control myself.

for the past 2 days, all i felt was that my life is a joke.
i've been CHEATED for 1.5 years in a friendship and yet i didnt see the signs that were so blatantly pushed in my face.
i complained and beared a grudge and whine and cry and cry and cry (yes crying most thats why i typed it 3 times), wallow in self-pity, turn people away when they want to talk to me, live in my own world, and just really want to be alone.
i felt used, betrayed, lied to, dumb, foolish, silly and yes cheated.

i never expected you to treat me in a manner like such.
and then i recalled all the fun times we had together. like real good friends.. and i wonder, " was it real then? was that person real or was it just a lie altogether?"

and the thing is that i dont know.
which makes it so frustrating altogether.. :(

i thought, think and am still thinking about it.
perhaps thats why im running a temperature now.
:(


i dont want to talk about the past hurts anymore.
i choose to believe that whatever we shared was real.
even though i have nothing to do with you anymore,
i dont hate you, neither do i bear any grudge against you.
because you taught me a very important lesson in life.

i must thank you.


(blue is for PEACE. i know you're thinking blue doesnt represent peace. but if i say it is it is. at least for this entry.)
actually this looks abit purple-ish.
no its BLUE.


if this is part of growing up, then i dont want to grow up at all.
























 

i think its always hard when there's a death in the family.
whether you're close to the person or not, there is always this sense of loss and regret.
like how, " i could have done more for that person." etc etc..
we live in regret and wished we visited the person more, spend more time understanding the person, perhaps not be so rude/disrespectful to the person..
and we also are reminded about how we should cherish the ones that are dear to us.
if its a christian funeral, the pastor will talk about how the person is in a better place, rejoicing in heaven, etc.

last night, yx's uncle passed away.
although, i never met him in my life before and dont even know his name and stuff,
but it brought back memories of when my grandma passed away in march.
similarly,her uncle has been sick for the longest period of time, my grandma too..
and i wouldnt say i didnt see it coming..
but just not so soon.
just not so..soon.

i always envisioned by grandma at my wedding, you know.. rejoicing with me marrying someone i really love.. but who knows when someone will leave this earth right?
and i promise at that period of time when i got the news of my grandma's death, i was alone at home. ALL ALONE.
and the helplessness i felt, the sense of loss.. this feeling..i never felt before.
i remember seating down on the floor when i read the text from my sister.
i just woke up.
i was in shock.
i remembered i called yixian and told her about it while waiting for my parents to come home and fetch me to my uncle's place.
you know, that was the most painful 5 days i ever had in my life.
it was difficult.... very very difficult.
and now whenever someone close to me is dealing with a loss in the family, i tend to show more compassion, more love, because i know how it feels. how it feels to lose someone so dear to you.

how the thought of not being able to talk to the person, to laugh with the person, hurts so much.

i miss my grandma.

Current Mood: indescribable

sometimes i wonder,
actually MOST of the time i wonder..
(starts humming to the corrine may song, but NO thats not what i was gg to blog about)
sometimes i wonder,
whether you are worth it?

whether its worth going back to what it used to be.
when time and time again you fail and it hurts,
makes me feel like just dropping everything.
dropping you, dropping whatever we tried so hard to built.

ARE YOU WORTH IT?

i often ask myself.
no doubt you bring me joy.
but at the same time,
there's hurt, tears, pain and sadness.
is the OCCASSIONAL joy that you bring ENOUGH to over-right them?
i dont think so.

many times i tried to leave.
but it just seems like i cannot.
that i cannot leave.
one day.
one week.
two weeks.

thats the max i managed to stay away.
then i run back.
like a stupid stray dog.

i really DONT KNOW how better else i can handle this situation.
really.
i.
am.
totally.
clueless.

oh Lord, save me.


i dont want to be caught in this cycle OVER and OVER and OVER AGAIN!


I HATE IT.
i dont like this side of me.

change side 
change side

TRANSFORM!
POWER RANGER MYSTIC FORCE!

WHOOOOSSHHH!

i dont want to run back.

NO MORE
NO MORE NOELLA YEE

YOU HEAR ME??!!!

NO MORE.

GO and BE FREEEEEEEEEEE

 

Current Mood: moody

i LOVE this song!
we sang this during PNP(AUG) and when i came home i youtub-ed it!
i claim this song for Singapore.
really.. EVERYONE who calls on Jesus, will be saved! :)

been really drained these few days..
studying, and maybe just studying..
but its FUN! :) with yixian and tiff.. :)
just that.. studying.. is not what im good at..
i really dont know how i managed to study in sec school..
like how i can remember things, or got the energy to practice so much/hard. its AMAZING.
now somehow or rather no matter how much i study it seems as though there is still SO MUCH left that i havent studied.
and my memory.. its TERRIBLE.
im so embarrassed of it.
you know like you can tell me something.. and just give me 20 mins.. i'l forget it.
eg: enthalpy change of solution.
see. even as i type it. i forgot what it is already. (solid-aqueous?)
urgggghhh.
so frustrated with myself! :(

"hear, o israel, today your are going to battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid. do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you VICTORY!" deut 20:3-4

during PNP, somebody came to pray for me. i didnt respond to the altar call so it was rather strange when somebody placed her arms around my shoulder and started praying... (i dont know who she is.. never had a conversation with her before) and she prayed in the postion of God.

G: " I want to exchange your fear for my PEACE. your fear for my... "

CRAP I FORGOT!!!!!
what are the 3 things that God wants to give me???
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
this sucks real bad.
the promises of God for my life and i cant remember.
kill me now.
i really cant remember leh...

i dont want to blog anymore.
until i remember what the other 2 things are.

strength?
wisdom?
power?

i dont know Lord.
tell me again... pleease?

should i or should i not go for prom?

Current Mood: frustrated

"I used to be one of his favourites, you'll live through it!"

why do people lie? i dont understand why they cant just TELL THE TRUTH!
i mean, if you dare to do it, or you are already doing it, then for goodness sake please stop pretending that you arnt.
its annoying.
it hurts you know.
when you place COMPLETE trust in people and then find out that people are lying to you.
it sucks.
i think to some extent that dajie is right about how "everybody lies".

God is REALLY training me.
to LOVE the unlovables, to have FAITH in others even if they fail me, to FORGIVE those who hurt me, to  have PATIENCE when others are getting on my nerves, to show KINDNESS to all that are around me, and to practice SELF-CONTROL when im really pissed.

whao GOD. you are REALLY giving me a hard time here.
thats like training ALL THE Fruit of the Spirit!
but i'm happy too cause that means that slowly and surely im growing in the Lord! :)

during pnp on friday, about 30 youths from g2 came! :)
super excting! God is really moving in G2 mann!
im so proud of my cell.. almost everyone came! :)
and you humm, ' God is moving, God is moving, cant you hear the sound of revival.."
then Pas Matt wanted all the young people to come in front to be prayed for..
i LOVE moments like this.
i LOVE it when they pray for YOUNG PEOPLE who will be like david, like timothy, like paul. its powerful.
and i LOVE it when they pray a whole hoard of blessing upon our lives.
yes so being YOUNG i went forward.. and i glance around.. so many many young people! :)
we are the ones rocking the house during pnp! hahah :)
whats most exciting was when he asked the parents to come forward and pray for your kid.
and daddy came for pnp.. i glance behind and i didnt see him coming forward..
i thought maybe he didnt like to participate in such stuff.. but left slightly hurt when i see other parents coming over to grab their kids..
but oh well, i'll pray for myself then! :)

then his hands came upon my shoulder..
and daddy started praying for me..
although i couldnt hear when he was saying specifically, but i coud hear words like "that you will bless my child.."
after that they said, ok now its the child's turn to pray for the parents..
like OMG. i mean i pray for my father but not OUT LOUD kinda thing.
was abit pai seh.. you know?
i think its the ASIA thing. like how we dont outrightly declare our undying love for our parents..
so i said sheepishly,

N: daddy why not you pray for me?
D: but i just prayed for you!
N: pray for me again la!
D: ok lor...
and so daddy prays for me out loud.. for my health, for my studies.. to be a woman of God.. etc etc.
D: ok so now you pray for me!
N: huh? seriously?
D: yeah why not?
N: " dear God, i pray that you will bless my daddy with all the blessings that You can ever give him. amen!"
D: so shorttt???!!!
N: yeahh eh all the blessings already leh. what more do you want??
D: ok lor...

 

HAHHAHAHHH! :)
that was a RARE moment. between daddy and i. :)
LOVES!
everybody says that i look like daddy..
and i love it when they say it.
although it means tat i look like a MAN.


moving on,
sometimes humans are sooooo annoying you wish that you are the only one on earth.
but sometimes i annoy myself too so i dont really know what im saying.
besides, God didnt create man to be an island..
and with no one around me, how am i gg to practice the Fruit of the Spirit?
(yes, fruit is SINGULAR. its not FRUITS of the spirit. its FRUIT. its true its trueeee)

 

 

We had joy we had fun, we had seasons in the sun,
but the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time.


 

Goodbye to you, my trusted friend.